"How do I feel about being pregnant again? I honestly don't know how to answer that. I feel so many emotions at once. I am trying to believe in this little life, but I know too much this time around and I don't trust anything." http://beautyinthebreakdownart.blogspot.com/
A fellow angel mommy asked me how I was feeling about Candace's upcoming 2nd birthday and being pregnant. This picture and link she found for me shows some of the many emotions I feel. It's a confusing bunch of feelings and even more confusing to try and explain. This pregnancy is a step forward and a step past Candace being the youngest/newest member of our family. It's yet another opportunity for others to forget her, and I don't like that thought at all. I can almost see the relief on friends faces. I know they mean well, but sometimes it seems like to them this means I've moved on, life is good and everything is back to normal since my arms will no longer be empty. It's really quite different, and there's almost a feeling of guilt and betrayel for going on to another baby, even though I know this is right and that this is supposed to happen.
Don't get me wrong, we are extremely excited about welcoming this precious new little one into our family, but confused at the emotions it brings up to be having this rainbow baby. I guess I just want to be assured that our sweet angel won't be forgotten by others. It hurts when she's not "counted" in with all my children. She counts, whether we get to raise her now or later, she's ours and therefore I count her in with all of my children. So if you ask me what number this is, this is my 5th child, and no, this rainbow baby could never replace the #4 position held by our sweet Candace.
9 comments:
That was very well stated, Krista. I've been thinking about Candace's birthday coming up. This will be our 9th year and still the day seems to stand still and nothing else matters to me. When we had Evan, I think our friends felt the same way as you're saying. Relief. Although I was happy to have a health baby, it actually brought to life how much we really missed out on with losing Dallin. So it actually made the loss a little harder, exactly opposite of what everyone expects you to go through. So many emotions, so little time (or energy when you're pregnant!). So go through it however feels most comfortable to you. Don't worry about what others think and realize that there are lots of us out there who have been through the same thing who will listen and never stop thinking about you and praying for you to make it through just one more day without Candace.
We lost a nephew about 19 years ago. His name is Kevin. He was 6 weeks older than Drew. Even the Aunts and Uncles still remember him. We compare him to Drew and think about the "what if's". Isn't it funny...Drew doesn't remember him, but we still mourn the loss of a relationship with a cousin. They are never forgoten. I remember the mixed bag of feelings, and the frustration my sister in law felt with the news of their next pregnancy. Even after all these years, the feelings seem to be manageable, but they never go away. No matter how you slice it, though, a new baby is an exciting adventure. It just needs to be it's own adventure...Just think about the sendoff this little one is getting from their big sister!
I'm sure I've been one of the insensitive ones who has no idea how traumatic your loss was. Thanks for spelling it out for those of us that need a little help being supportive!
Krista, that's a wonderful and well put post. I just finished my own post on that same painting - I love it. It was just what I needed to see this week to help me process my feelings.
Hang in there, friend.
that was awesome. And yes you should could Candace as your 4th. She and you worked very hard to get here on earth. my friend who lost her baby has all her children on her wall and then a special wall with "Baby Easton" on it with picture of him and this mirror decoration and a saying about an angel. I need to ask her what that saying says I can't remember but you'd love it!! My friend just just had a new baby in August and this baby is the Happiest baby I've EVER seen. I've honestly never seen anything like her before. I know her brother is helping her make moms life a little easier and I'm sure they chat regularly!
Everything will fall into place. You are so sweet. The sweetest person I know. Good luck on #5
You all are so kind. Thank you! And my dear runningfan, you haven't even been close to insensitive, quite the opposite actually. Thanks again all for being so supportive.
I gave birth to our daughter at 20w4d...Our little Ande will always be our first. Your words gave voice to how I feel...to the worries and concerns that I have about when I will be pregnant again. I never want her to be forgotten or not counted...
Thank you.
Once you have more than one child you realize that your heart has room to love each child, as different as they are, with the same intensity. I don't think this baby will take away the emptiness and longing you have for Candace, but I think it will bring another personality and a lot of joy into your home.
Each child is so different and so wonderful and can never be replaced or forgotten. Candace has had a huge impact on so many lives, she has a special place in our family.
Krista,
Thanks for sharing your very tender thoughts and feelings. I wish we were closer to stay in better touch for all that you are experiencing. We love you and each of your precious children very much. I treasure the sweet hours we got to spend with Candace and know she is still very much involved in your lives. Much love, Noni
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